Happy? Father's day

About a week ago, I had a dream that had me crying until after I woke up. In the dream, I was in a graduation or awarding ceremony. Idk what exactly, but it was something like that. When it ended, I was walking out of the venue when I saw my dad. He was by the gate, waiting for me. As soon as I saw him, I ran to him and hugged him. I started crying immediately and repeatedly asked him "why are you here? What are you doing here?" For whatever reason, I knew he wasn't gonna be there and it was the last thing I expected to happen. My dream ended like that. I was hugging my dad tightly while I was crying. I didn't want to let him go, but I woke up. And even after I woke up, my heart felt heavy and I was crying. I wanted to go back to sleep to continue my dream and find comfort in the arms of my dad again. Even just in my dreams.

You see, I didn't really hug my dad much. At least not that I remember. There were only a few times when I would and they weren't even hugs just to hug him. Probably the most time I'd get to hug him was when I would ride the motorcycle with him when I was younger. Ever since I was a kid, I was taught to wrap my hands around my dad's waist when I ride on the back of his motorcycle. That's what I always did ever since my arms weren't long enough to wrap around his belly and I would try so hard to make my hands meet haha Other times when I would kind of hug my dad was when I was a kid too. When I was young, I would always ask my dad for coins. That's literally how I would always ask for money. I would just tell him "dad, penge barya." And since my sisters would want my dad's coins too, I figured a way to beat them to it. Sometimes, my dad would throw the coins in the house as he walks in, the same way people would in house blessings or new year's eve. But I've learned to meet him at the door as he comes in, give him a hug, and reach into his pockets. Sneaky, I know haha

Maybe I did give hugs to dad too when I was younger, but there was only one time that I remember running into his arms for comfort. This happened some time while I was in college--a few years after mom passed. I had a friend whose dad passed away. At the time, my worst fear was losing my dad because I felt like he was the only one I have left. And the news of my friend's dad passing made me think about that fear and I broke down crying inside my room. A few minutes later, I heard my dad come into the house. Another few minutes later and I found myself lying on the floor with my dad, crying as I hugged him. When he asked me what happened, I couldn't tell him that I was crying so hard because I've thought of losing him and I couldn't handle it. Instead, I told him that I was just missing my mom so bad. He comforted me and said it's okay, but that we have to accept what happened and just think that she's in a better place now. I cried harder. 

Today, I remember all this as I remember my dad and how great he was as a father and as a person. I know everyone who knew him would agree when I say that. Happy father's day, daddy! I could only wish I could celebrate father's day again with you, but I I could see you in my dreams again and give you the biggest hug.