Twenty Fine?

 I turned 29 yesterday. Now how the fck am I so close to being 30?? 

I was looking at photos I saved on my phone the other day and I saw a screenshot of this cake I said I would order for myself. It says "Twenty Fine". It just made me laugh. Twenty Fine? Oh honey, I'm not fine. I am pretty much losing my mind every single day. I don't know what I want and I can't fully decide what to do with my life. It's a crisis that has been going on for a while and intensifies as the months go by.

Do I want a new job? But I like what I do. Do I want to move to a different place? But what about my life here? Do I like who I'm becoming? I honestly have no fcking clue and it pisses me off. If I could run away to a place where I could start over and discover and understand myself, I would. I think. But I don't know if I could and I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of it all. 

I feel like the world is moving and everyone around me is achieving goals and dreams, but I'm just stuck at where I am now. And I've been here for a few years. It feels unfair. But at the same time, I question myself if I'm doing enough. It's a constant push and pull in my head and I'm really just tired of it. Is there a road map to how I can get to where I want to be in life? Because when I was younger, I thought I'd be so much more at this point, but right now it just feels like I'm just being taken for a ride  by the waves. I'm not even cruising smoothly. I'm so jealous of people who have the freedom to figure out what they want to do. Those who can take breaks when needed and just do whatever, because I can't do that. I don't have a backup. And it fucking sucks. 

Maybe one day I'll actually get to control where I sail and enjoy that journey. I hope I get the courage and the strength to do so. As for birthday wishes, all of them have been for the same thing for a few years now. It's also my prayer at every church visit, as rare as they may be. And I'd gladly give up every wish and offer every prayer until it happens.