Baring Souls on All Souls Day

This has been sitting in my drafts for a month. 

Ever since I can remember, we have been going to the cemetery on November 1st. When I was a kid, we were there to visit my grandfather. Then, we had to visit two cemeteries on that day to visit my dad's aunt too. When I was in high school, my grandmother on my dad's side passed away. And since a few years ago, we also go there to visit my parents. It's a tradition we've been doing for so long it's already normal to us. It became a fun occasion to spend time with family and remember our loved ones.

Yesterday, before going to the cemetery, a friend messaged me saying that they hope that after I go to the cemetery, I'm still happy. Then I realized how I never really acknowledged how sad it is for me to be visiting my parents instead of going there with them like when I was younger. And how it still feels the same even after a few years.

After I got home from the cemetery, my friend asked me how I feel and if I want to talk about it. I realized how I haven't talked about it in a long time and that even when I feel like I want to, I don't have anyone to talk to. Technically, I do, but I don't want to bother people when I don't know if they want to hear it or if they would care. There were a lot of times when I wished there's someone I could talk to about it, but I've gotten so used to not having anyone, it felt so foreign to me when someone actually offered to listen. At the same time, I was hesitant to talk about it because I feel like if I do, then I would want to talk about it often. Or even if not often, I feel like I would want to talk about it when I feel those kinds of things thinking someone would listen. But what if they don't want to hear about it anymore? What if they leave and they won't be there for me anymore? What would I do then?

Again, it ignited my fear of being used to things that could be gone in a snap. I know there's that risk with anyone, every time, and that I have to take that risk eventually, but I can't help but be scared. I don't have a lot of fears, but I've always been afraid of being left. I'm afraid of the hurt that would come with it. I know I have to face my fears one day, but I'm not quite sure if I'm ready for that yet. When that day comes though, I hope my fears don't come to life.