Pushing People

This is what I do. I push people away. I make them tired of me and the mess that comes with it. Then, when they actually get tired and decides to walk away, I just let them. After that, I blame myself. I beat myself up over and over again for pushing them away. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I didn't mean to them as much as I thought I did. Maybe I'm not worth all the trouble. Maybe it's that easy to just walk away and leave me behind.

It's stupid how I'm aware of this, and yet, I can't stop myself from doing it. I don't know why. Whenever I'm getting too close to people, whenever I get vulnerable, I get scared. I get scared that one day, when I've already bared enough and became too vulnerable, they will leave, and I will break. So instead of letting that happen, I push them away thinking that it might not hurt. I thought, if I push them away, it would feel like it's my choice and I wouldn't get hurt. But it doesn't. The pain is still the same.

Now, I'm on the verge of doing that again. I have so many fears and it gets in the way of good things that might happen. I've already told myself countless times how I should just enjoy things as it is and not look too far ahead, but it's hard. I overthink a lot, and I end up thinking of the worst. And now, I know I'm about to push someone away. I want to ask something that I know would lead to a misunderstanding or an argument, but I can't stop myself. I have to ask, because if I don't, the what ifs would kill me. Besides, if they decide to walk away, that just means they don't value me that much, right? This is probably just me convincing myself, and maybe this is a toxic way of thinking, but I don't know what else to do. I'm scared, but I want to know for sure so I could worry less. But I don't want them to walk away. I hope they don't walk away.