Emotions
I don't know how to begin. I feel like if people I know read this, they would start asking questions. They would start questioning why I feel like this. But I just want to let this out, because I've been feeling a lot of things and I need to try to let go of some of them. And this one in particular, I've been feeling for a while. The thing is, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. It's hard to explain. I honestly don't know how to put this into words. It's just too complicated, and even in my head, I'm contradicting myself.
The thing is, ever since my dad passed away, I've been lost. I feel like I'm not a part of anything anymore. You see, ever since I was young, I've dreamed of giving back to my parents. I feel like I had an amazing life, especially when I was a kid, so I wanted to return the favor to my parents when they grow old. But life is more complicated than how I saw it as a kid. My mom passed away when I was 16, and from then on, all of my dreams became for my dad. I know how hard it was for him to do everything for us, but he did. It was extremely difficult not to have my mom around, especially as a teen, but having my dad eased that a little. He was my rock. But once again, life made an awful turn. It's like the universe just never agrees with my plans. Just when I thought I could finally start fulfilling my dreams, especially for my dad, he passed away. It happened so suddenly that one day, I woke up and he's gone. And that's not even a metaphor. Suddenly, I don't know what to do with my life anymore.
I've tried and tried to refocus my dreams, make new plans, and find new reasons, but nothing is as solid as what it once was. I feel like I'm not a part of anything anymore. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate my family and friends, but it's just different. I feel like they have a life of their own, and somehow, it doesn't include me. And some days, I get that feeling more intensely than I usually do. Sometimes, I even feel like I'm a part of something only when it's convenient for them. Like being dragged into a mess I didn't even know about only to be left behind when things change. And only hearing what I say when it's something they want to hear. Sometimes, I get this feeling too intensely and I just wish I could start over. I've thought about moving a lot of times, but I could only wish I could. Same thing as wishing I have a life of my own.
But even though I feel like this, I still try to be as positive as I could. I try to believe that someday, things will change and I won't get this feeling anymore. And while I'm hoping and wishing and praying for that day to come, I'll try to see the best of where I am at the moment.
The thing is, ever since my dad passed away, I've been lost. I feel like I'm not a part of anything anymore. You see, ever since I was young, I've dreamed of giving back to my parents. I feel like I had an amazing life, especially when I was a kid, so I wanted to return the favor to my parents when they grow old. But life is more complicated than how I saw it as a kid. My mom passed away when I was 16, and from then on, all of my dreams became for my dad. I know how hard it was for him to do everything for us, but he did. It was extremely difficult not to have my mom around, especially as a teen, but having my dad eased that a little. He was my rock. But once again, life made an awful turn. It's like the universe just never agrees with my plans. Just when I thought I could finally start fulfilling my dreams, especially for my dad, he passed away. It happened so suddenly that one day, I woke up and he's gone. And that's not even a metaphor. Suddenly, I don't know what to do with my life anymore.
I've tried and tried to refocus my dreams, make new plans, and find new reasons, but nothing is as solid as what it once was. I feel like I'm not a part of anything anymore. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate my family and friends, but it's just different. I feel like they have a life of their own, and somehow, it doesn't include me. And some days, I get that feeling more intensely than I usually do. Sometimes, I even feel like I'm a part of something only when it's convenient for them. Like being dragged into a mess I didn't even know about only to be left behind when things change. And only hearing what I say when it's something they want to hear. Sometimes, I get this feeling too intensely and I just wish I could start over. I've thought about moving a lot of times, but I could only wish I could. Same thing as wishing I have a life of my own.
But even though I feel like this, I still try to be as positive as I could. I try to believe that someday, things will change and I won't get this feeling anymore. And while I'm hoping and wishing and praying for that day to come, I'll try to see the best of where I am at the moment.
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