Valentine's

Due to lack of creativity, inspiration, and whatever it is that makes me write, lately, I haven't really been able to. I've been looking through stuff I wrote, and I remembered the first time I shared one—something that is not a 'personal essay' —on Facebook. I looked at that post and I said it's a 'when you want to reach that out-of-the-woods-Taylor phase' thing. If you have read this before and you're reading this now, thank you for taking the time to read my posts. If this is the first time you'll read this, thank you. This is the first piece I've ever had the confidence of sharing publicly almost three years ago. I hope it's as good as I thought it was. 

Hi, 

      I've been wanting to write you for a while, but I can't seem to find the courage to pen all the things I wanna say. I would try to use flowery words to make this a lengthy letter and prolong the time that I could deny it and convince myself otherwise, but it's hard to write in the dark, more so, after you cried. I still care about you. Hell, I still love you. But the thing is, I don't want to. I've been feeling this for a long time and I don't want this anymore. I've been crying for weeks, maybe a month, not because I lost you, but because I lost myself. Day by day I try to find my pieces, but I end up losing more as every corner I look in to has you in it. You broke me, then took pieces with you and crushed them with your bare hands, with the sweet words you spoke after you left, and that little hope you made me hold on to. You gave me that maybe, that what if, that someday. And everyday I am looking forward to reaching that day. I haven't realized until I cried my eyes out and dried all the tears that it was all a lie. Nothing but empty promises you said hoping that it would make me hurt less. It did before, but the moment I saw you with someone else,  it hurt more that it should have.  Maybe you only did that for yourself. So today, I'm writing hoping that all the hurt, the pain, and the brokenness you left me with will attach to these words I've been longing to tell you. I hope that when this letter reach you, you will write back. Not with your words--I've had enough of them, but with the pieces of me you took so I could be whole again. So when I face the mirror next morning, I'll recognize my self again. Because when I said I still love you, maybe that meant I love the parts of me you took with you.

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I drafted this blog post days ago, and before writing the final post earlier, I realized it's valentine's day. Although this day is mostly celebrated by couples, you could always celebrate love with your friends and family. May this also remind you that loving yourself should be celebrated. As cliché as that sounds, it's true. You don't have to find someone to complete you, because you can make yourself whole. And that's when you can give even more love to people around you. Here's to finding yourself no matter how many times you feel lost, and loving it again and again as if you have never been broken before. I hope you felt the love today and you made someone feel it too. If not, it's not yet too late, because love isn't exclusive to this day. Happy valentine's day, everyone!