2 years

It was the 30th of December 2016, it was almost New Year's eve. We almost welcomed 2017 with my dad, until we didn't. Until we couldn't. It's been 2 years since my dad's passing and I'm not entirely sure how I'm treading this life since then. 

Aside from 'adulting', this is most probably the reason why I'm not excited about the holidays anymore. I still vividly remember how I welcomed 2017. I was sitting alone, blankly staring at my dad's coffin while everyone was outside to celebrate, then when they came in to eat, I went upstairs to silently cry and just sleep until the 'celebration' is over. I don't blame anyone for still continuing the celebration, because even I agree that my dad would rather have everyone having fun and enjoying than wallowing during the new year.

Today, it almost slipped my mind that it's my dad's death anniversary because I was pre-occupied with what my friends and I have planned to do today. But I was reminded in a wild way. The driver of the car we're supposed to rent bailed on us. We have to look for another car to rent and it seems impossible to do that last minute. I was definitely so stressed out and pissed about the situation and I was ranting to my aunt about it. She said "Kung nandiyan daddy mo, di mo pproblemahin yan". True, my dad was the designated—probably the only—driver of the family. I had to choke back my tears before saying "Kung nandito daddy ko, 8am pa lang naka alis na kami." My dad always wants to leave on time. Sometimes, even earlier than the time we're supposed to leave. At that moment, I suddenly missed my dad's voice whenever he would hurry us so we could already leave.

It's been 2 years, and I've had people telling me how strong I am for dealing with life without both of my parents. They think I'm handling this well, but they only see the beauty of it. They don't see the crying in the dark, the breakdowns, and the choking back of tears in the middle of the day. They don't see me in pain because I don't show them. The pain may grow smaller but it's always gonna be there, and at this point, it's always the littlest of things that hits me hard. When people tell me how strong I am, I just smile, because I know this is how I have to be. Mom and dad didn't raise a weak girl after all.